How to Human: Listening in the Wake of Political Violence

All systems are closed loops: whatever you put into them stays there; nothing just evaporates. In nature, you see it in a pond polluted by runoff—chemicals enter the water and remain. In human relationships, you see it in a marriage when small slights are never addressed; they linger beneath the surface until they are resolved through conversation, argument or, ultimately, the dissolution of the relationship.

The Banks of the Bièvre near Bicêtre (Henri Rousseau, 1908-09)

Small Corrections in Relationships

Relationships seek stability and equilibrium through corrections that incorporate new information and behaviors into the system. These corrections are most subtle and effective when the people involved listen to the feedback offered by others. If your partner objects to your leaving dishes in the sink, you can hear them and decide to behave differently, or you can refuse to hear them—by redirecting blame or brushing them off. But not listening doesn’t mean their concerns disappear; they accumulate. Avoiding small corrections means a larger correction is coming. Instead of a conversation, you have an argument. Instead of an argument, the relationship ends.

Avoiding Feedback in Politics

Political life is no different. Politicians have created a number of strategies for avoiding smaller corrections. Elected officials have stopped holding town halls so they don’t have to listen to constituent feedback. In a particularly literal example from my town of Pendleton, Senator Lindsey Graham’s local office replaced its transparent windows with opaque bulletproof glass. Rather than signaling openness and engagement, it now resembles a fortress, impervious to voter feedback.

Structural Barriers to Responsiveness

Parties also fight reforms like open primaries that would increase competition for candidates and give voters a broader choice. This limits voters’ ability to find a candidate who matches their preferences and gives candidates little incentive to hear and respond to voter views because there are few alternatives.

Gerrymandered districts mean that congressional seats aren’t in serious contention, so candidates have little incentive to respond to voter concerns—especially those of the opposite party. Most representatives can’t be voted out of office because only about 40 House seats are truly competitive in any given election. Recent redistricting efforts in California, Texas and Missouri will shrink that number further.

When Issues Accumulate

But the issues elected officials refuse to address are still lingering beneath the surface. They are accumulating, which is why polarization continues to grow and political violence continues to increase. I am in no way excusing or justifying violence; I am trying to explain it. And an accurate explanation is what we most need to turn the tide right now.

After the Assassination of Charlie Kirk

In the wake of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, many people are expressing their thoughts, and many more are criticizing those thoughts. Although some of what is being said is vengeful, churlish and hateful, policing what other people are saying and telling them how they should feel is not the answer. It may seem like the closest thing we have to controlling our tumultuous political culture, but it misses the point.

Avoiding Corrections Isn’t Connection

Much like telling your partner they should use a different tone if they are mad about dishes in the sink, telling people how to talk about politics is avoiding the correction, and connection, that we actually need.

What if we considered all this commentary—constructive or not—as information to hear rather than something to police and control? What if we each embarked on a radical practice of listening to others, especially those we think disagree with us, rather than criticizing them or ignoring them or distancing ourselves from them?

How Polarization Takes Root

The polarization we are seeing is a result of a political system that has found more and more ways to insulate itself from small corrections. People feel that all that is left is expressing themselves in louder and more extreme ways. Again, I am not excusing or justifying violence. But we misdiagnose the problem if we think it can be solved by continuing to tell people how to respond instead of listening to their responses at the individual level and at the political level.

Listening as a Personal Solution

Political change is hard. I don’t know how we get members of Congress to hold town halls again or how we stop gerrymandering—those are long‑term projects, absolutely worth pursuing. In the meantime, there is something we can each do: re‑engage the habit of listening. Stop avoiding the small corrections.

Why Listening Matters

Listening to each other is one of the best things we can do to reclaim civility and dignity in our political lives. Many of us have stopped because we think it’s not safe—physically, because someone might turn violent, or emotionally, because we assume others’ views are so different from ours that we cannot possibly connect. We also spend so much time typing into screens and mistaking that for human connection that we don’t realize how disconnected we are and how starved we are for real connection.

Listening is how we make small, subtle corrections in our personal and civic relationships because we learn how other people see and experience the world. It shows respect and demonstrates that people matter. It gives people a sense of agency—being unheard feels like powerlessness—and allows them to feel known, which creates a real sense of belonging.

An Invitation to Listen

That’s why I’m here to offer an ear to anyone who needs one—not over text or email, but face to face, whether via video call or on the phone or over coffee. Tell me how you’re feeling about government and politics, even if some of what you feel is ugly. Whether you’re outraged, defeated or not sure, I’ll hear you out.

I’m not a therapist or a clinician. I’m no better suited to the task than anyone else. But we all have the capacity to sit with other people—even those we strongly disagree with—and hear them. We don’t have to agree or validate their opinions (although you might be surprised how often you find common ground). We just have to be present.

So if you need someone to listen, reach out. And if you want to do some listening yourself, I hope you’ll make the same offer to the people around you.

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With deep sympathy for the friends and family of Charlie Kirk and all other victims of political violence, in America and abroad, may we honor them by renewing our commitment to listening to each other.